The Yuri Method(TM) of Internet "Branding"

I know I’ve been keeping it real with my postings lately, but let’s get realistic, how long can that last? These days people want the wool pulled over their eyes, so if that’s the case, why not give them the finest of the NZ Merino wool?(a staple in my wardrobe these days)

It’s time to get on the “Branding” bandwagon so I can line my pockets and reach the full potential of my entrepreneurial capabilities. The endgame is of course to become real life Scrooge McDuck.

Now off with the marketing sales pitch, here is what you need to know about The Yuri Method(TM):

-I’m the best there ever was and will be. You mortals cannot even begin to understand the perfection I have attained, let alone try to compare yourselves to it. Any attempts of coming close to what I have achieved are futile. You can say that the next stage of human evolution will be based on me.
Want a piece of this? It’s already too late for you, but by following my method you can slowly approach the ever-distant horizon of perfection.

-My methods and modalities are superior to all others. Nothing anyone else is doing comes close to the ingenuity and innovation of the Yuri Method(TM). Scientific studies have also proven that training this method will actually make you a better person. There’s probably something wrong with you if you’re not training TYM, which can help to fill your void and cure you of your inadequacies.
In order to be mysterious, I will keep all mention of TYM as vague as possible to enhance your curiosity of how much you need it.

-TESTIMONIALS! You can’t question the my legitimacy if other people are talking about it, right? Listen to countless stories of people telling me how awesome I am and how I have blown their minds and changed their lives. I get so much praise I can almost bathe in it!

-Knowledge. I know something you don’t; in fact I pretty much know everything you don’t. I’m going to drop lots of vague hints implying this.

-Certifications. I know I have made postings in the past vilifying what certifications and the industry stand for, but I’ve done a complete 180 now. I just feel like there are a lot of people who would pay me extra to be able to put my name in their instagram profile, so I want to capitalize on that.
Become Yuri Certified Today! All you need to do is just listen to me talk for a while, and pay me a bunch more money. In return I will bestow upon you the honor of a fancy piece of paper with your name on it.

-Exclusivity. Only a select chosen few can truly experience TYM in its truest capacity. It cannot be known, only experienced.
Do you want to become a valued member of my inner circle? Yes. However this is only possible if you meet my strict criteria of having deep enough pockets. Then all my wisdom will be revealed.

-Business Coaching. One can’t do handstands and cartwheels forever, so of course a logical progression will be to evolve TYM towards harboring the secret to monetary success(that only the select few willing to part with the most money can achieve).

-Price Increase across the board. This is an absolute necessity so workshop attendees can take the product more seriously. Higher prices equals better results and more value.

-Pay for the opportunity to be around other TYM practitioners. I believe this is what we call “community”.

-Team. I will no longer be teaching my own seminars, they will instead be taught by my team of Yuri certified master instructors. Want to learn the Yuri Method from Yuri? That’s going to cost extra.

-Life Coaching. What is the next logical step after achieving a successful business? Life of course. You may be alive, but do you LIVE? You might look, but do you SEE? Join me on this journey and I can show you how. I have been alive for well over 30 years so you can say that I have quite a bit of life experience to draw from.

-Yuri Flow. The precise art of stringing together random moves to create an exclusive system. Logic dictates that the next level will be to threaten lawsuits to anyone using the movements or flows without giving the proper tribute.
Once enough tribute has been accumulated, I can ascend to CREATOR status where I claim that I invented these movements and they did not exist before me.

-Biohacking. I should probably get on this bandwagon as well, if anything to justify some of the weird shit that I do. Plus it sounds cool and fits well with the whole perceived superiority vibe I am trying to give off.

Anyway, those are some ideas I have on how to “build your brand”, at least based on some observations I have made. Hopefully you caught the sarcasm. This is not meant to be an attack on anyone, just a bit of satire on some of the ridiculous things we see online these days.
Did I miss anything? What else would you like to see from brand Yuri?
If you need me I’ll be off in the corner being my smug self, demonstrating to my internet followers how amazing I am while I waft the aroma of my own farts.